“Aussie Rules, OK?”
More tales from the riverbank
“I’m going to treat myself to some sweets from the Old Fashioned Sweet Shop and I now leave you in peace and in solidarity and thanks for watching this madness beside the River Severn. Peace everyone”
So ends the video immediately following this short introductory paragraph and my reading of chapter 27 from my second book on cricket and a book that’s not really about cricket at all, not really. More a web of tangential tales around the cricket and today, as so aptly demonstrated by the pitter-patter of rain falling on the river behind me, a day blighted by rain as I watched Australian Rules Football rather than cricket before looking forward to a trip to the cinema with the light of my life to aid Tom Cruise in his latest impossible mission to save the world.
Care to join me once more on the riverbank?
"Aussie Rules, OK?" original article
"The Spirit of Cricket" - Available via Amazon
Saturday 8th July 2023
As sure as night follows day, yesterday’s mercury busting heat-wave day here in the UK was sure to be followed by today’s torrential rain showers and thundery, lightning streaked storms. There was seemingly no escape save for brief respites in between these storm showers and whilst I watched the early morning rain beat down here in central England, a hundred or so miles away at Headingley in Yorkshire the covers were permanently on and play nigh-on impossible on the 3rd day of the Ashes Test Match between England and Australia.
This is nothing new for a now four decades plus veteran of watching and playing cricket but frustrating nonetheless, evoking memories of skipping school as a youngster because my home county of Hampshire were playing a vital Cup Semi-Final only for the day to be washed out and I, coughing and spluttering, desperately hoping my mother would allow me another day away from the rigours of school work and another day off as with now day following night and the sunshine sure to return, I could now watch the rearranged game the following day. From a trial for my county at 16 through to playing three times a week to bunking in to my city’s only cricket ground to watch my county, to visiting that very same ground for a fixture on the day a quarter of a century ago when Princess Diana was murdered (tragically died, surely? Current Affairs Editor) in Paris, cricket and watching cricket are milestones in my sporting life. Playing for a Sunday league team called “The Zombies” who were all of county standard or a works team on a drizzly, dark and dank Wednesday evening when all we could think of was warming ourselves beside the fire of a local pub and the after match pizza, to stumbling drunk into a pub full of alluring female strippers that weren’t in fact strippers or indeed, as it turned out, female, I have tales as old as time itself when the rain falls and cricket is an impossible mission only fit for Tom Cruise. But as the rain teemed down the window panes of a Saturday morning when I was excitedly awaiting the latest day of Ashes cricket from Yorkshire I did what any self respecting sports mad man would do, I watched Australian Rules Football instead.
I’m a lapsed fan of the more familiarly known “Aussie Rules Football” and from the first broadcasts decade ago here in the UK of this rugby, football, smash your opponent in the mouth mash-up, I became a fan of the Hawthorn “Hawks” purely on their brown and gold striped jerseys and I’m unsurprised to report they remain reassuringly rubbish! Currently residing in 16th place (out of 18) on the AFL (Australian Football League) “Ladder”, Hawthorn are well below both of today’s teams, the “Saints” of St Kilda and the “Demons” of Melbourne in what was billed on the other side of the world as “Saturday Night Footy”, but here in the UK it was of course 10.30am in the morning.
Being a fan of the twisted world of the time matrix and of course watching cricket through the night when it’s morning in Pakistan, India, New Zealand or indeed Australia (please see my 2023 book “Ashes to Ashes” for further evidence of this cricket watching madness) this was also nothing new for me and if you think I’m veering off the topic of cricket you’d be badly mistaken. For Shane Warne, the much missed “King of Spin” and avuncular voice as a cricket commentator for many a long night during an Australian mauling of England on the other side of the world, was originally a fan of the Hawthorn Hawks before changing his allegiance to the Saints of St Kilda when a young man and before he became a professional cricketer. I miss “Warnie” and his open, kind hearted spirit and although his treasured St Kilda were trounced by those demons from Melbourne today, I’m sure the old rogue was watching from on high, spinning a cricket ball from hand to hand as only The King could.
After the “Behinds”, “Marks”, “Disposals” and “Goals” of Saturday night Australian Rules Football on a rain soaked Saturday morning, I turned for comfort to that grand old tradition and institution of cricket here in the UK of “Test Match Special”. Whilst the voices on the radio told tales of thundery rain showers in Yorkshire and play impossible until well into the evening, if at all, the team at the more commonly known TMS are past masters at filling time on rainy days such as these and this morning, and oh so pleasingly, they turned to Australian veteran broadcaster Jim Maxwell and asked their legion of fans to send in their questions for a commentator who secured his first job, and the job he always desired, in the year I was born. Recovering from a stroke, Jim told tales of not giving in despite the life changing attack on his health and well being of a few years ago, his first tour to England in 1972, and of Shane Warne, the Sydney Cricket Ground still being his favourite ground in all the world, and pleasingly, in a way only Jim can, introducing the quaintly old fashioned and quintessentially English “Shipping Forecast” and how he finds it all faintly absurd!
“I hope I haven’t offended anyone more than once” he joked as he finished a brilliant, laughter filled half an hour as the rain continued to fall both here and in Yorkshire, and long may your recovery continue Jim, and long may you reign in the commentary box.
With one of those brief respites in the Saturday rain showers and desperate to watch some cricket, I treated myself to an hour’s play at my local club and I arrived with my local team in deep, deep trouble. Wellington “Seconds” or Wellington 2nd XI were playing host to Chirk “Firsts” and the mis-match was evidenced by my local team being 101–9 when I arrived and teetering on being immediately bowled all out. Thankfully, a last wicket partnership of over 50 runs saw them finish with 158 and after a brief change over between innings Chirk, from across the squiggly border in Wales and famous for its beautiful castle and World Heritage Site accredited canal aqueduct, reached 18–0 in reply before, yes you’ve guessed it, the rain returned. Spits and spots became a torrential thundery shower that saw my departure and seemingly an end to my pursuit of cricket today but at 4.45pm precisely, England and Australia took to the field at Headingley and their Ashes battle duly re-commenced.
For 1 over!
Following a 15 minute delay as yet another heavy rain shower passed overhead, the team’s emerged once more and this time, thankfully, it was for good, and a 2+ hour session of cricket Australia would have been pleased to avoid and for England to take advantage of. With heavy overhead clouds and muggy, sultry conditions, it was perfect for bowling and an England team desperate for Australian wickets and yet again, as has seemed constant throughout this Ashes series, England had the best of conditions with Australia having to bat in the very worst. With an overnight lead of 142 runs heading into this now rain delayed 3rd day, Stuart Broad, Chris Woakes and Mark Wood all snagged vital wickets as Australia struggled against a fiery onslaught from England under the darkest of clouds that slowly lifted as they limped to a final all out total of 224, setting England 251 runs to win. From dark clouds and bowler friendly conditions to the brightest of end of day sunshine (and the best possible batting conditions), England opening batsmen Zak Crawley and Ben Duckett eased their way comfortably to 27–0 to crucially remain not out overnight, and all 10 England wickets intact ahead of their run chase tomorrow morning for a series and Ashes saving 224 runs for victory. Quite simply, England have to get these runs tomorrow or else The Ashes is over, Australia have won and the final two matches the deadest of unwelcome rubbers.
From the now sunshine of Yorkshire we immediately crossed at the end of play at 7.30pm to the home of cricket at Lords in London, and the 4th match in the Ladies Ashes series and two things were abundantly clear (1) The England ladies simply had to win to keep their quest for The Ashes alive and (2) It was raining! Inserted into bat by England skipper Heather Knight, I joined the Australian innings with the score at 99–4 with just 6 overs remaining in their innings of this IT20 (International T20) match, and with every batter getting a start if not a huge score, Australia ended their 20 overs on 155–7, setting England 156 to win in a game they simply couldn’t afford to lose.
Then the rain came. In buckets!
With a reduced target for victory of 119 from 14 overs, England’s star player throughout the series so far Danii Wyatt scorched a quick fire 26 runs from just 14 balls received to kick-start the innings and although there was a mini collapse as England neared victory, Alice Capsey’s brilliant 2 runs-a-ball 46 from 23 balls ultimately sealed a much needed victory for Heather Knight’s England ladies by 5 wickets, and in front of a record crowd of over 21,000 at Lords.
All in all, Saturday 8th July was some day in this sporting Summer of 2023!
With the weather forecasted to return to something resembling the sunshine of Summer tomorrow, my attention will return once more to Ben Stokes and his England team desperately needing a victory to keep alive their Ashes series before Wednesday, and the return of the ladies Ashes with the score now 6–4 in favour of Australia but with this evening’s crucial victory, that particular Ashes battle is alive and well. Here’s hoping Ben and the boys can do likewise tomorrow.
I’ve endeavoured throughout the Summer to split my reporting on the men’s and ladies Ashes and keep them separate, but after a day such as today all bets are off. Similarly, whilst the ladies recommence battle on Wednesday at Gloucester, I shall be spending that day in the company of my beautiful son, and at the cinema as we aid Tom Cruise in his latest impossible mission to save the world.
If we succeed, I’ll see you then.
This message will self destruct in 5 seconds. 5, 4, 3…….
Thanks for reading. I hope this message in a bottle in The Matrix finds you well, prospering and the right way up in an upside down world.
Did your Zombies use "She's Not There" as their theme? Or maybe "This Will Be Our Year"...