In Court with Queen
“But it’s been no bed of roses. No pleasure cruise”.
“But it’s been no bed of roses. No pleasure cruise”.
Do you remember the very first record you ever bought with your own money as a young child? Perhaps like me you saved up your pocket money and that one fine, sunshine filled day, you walked into your local record store and finally plumped for that record you simply couldn’t stop looking at. Maybe it was the cover art, the influence of an older sibling or perhaps you’d reached the age whereby you were discovering music for the very first time and there was a particular song that you simply fell in love with.
Mine was Embarrassment by the self proclaimed “Nutty Boys” from the late 1970’s and early 1980’s Ska band Madness and aside from the influence of an older brother or sister, this song and this band fitted the bill described above for my very first purchase with my own money. The cover was a doozy! All seven members of this now nationally treasured band were all whispering conspiratorially into each other’s ears against a dark black background and the only colour being the logo of the band front, top and centre of the 45 or “single” as we called it back then. I don’t recall the B-side but what I do remember and take pleasure in to this very day is the gentle but quick tempo piano beneath a thumping quick drumbeat, the mercurial sound of a saxophone I’d later associate with the “Big Man” Clarence Clemons of Bruce Springsteen’s E-Street Band and of course lead singer Suggs and his unfathomably quick lyrics of a disaffected youth being the titular embarrassment a “disgrace to the human race” and my favourite verse:
“No commitment, you’re an embarrassment
Yes, an embarrassment, a living endorsement
The intention that you have booked
Was an intention that was overlooked”
Excuse me whilst I gaze wistfully into the distance and disappear into a reverie!
Quixotically, whilst this was indeed the first record I ever purchased, it wasn’t the first I owned. Years earlier, my loving parents had bestowed upon me my first record player and with it, four records that can at best be described as eclectic! My opera loving Mum and anthem loving Father decreed that I should start my record collection with a flimsy, wafer thin golden record that you had to play at 33rpm (ask your grandparents kids!) of the radio recordings of Liverpool FC’s first two FA Cup Final triumphs (and boy did I LOVE that record) together with a spoken word LP (Long Playing record) of Peter and the Wolf, the soundtrack to the original film Grease and, the pièce de résistance, We Are The Champions by Queen. Remarkably, considering the gravitas the song on the B-side would attain in the future, on the reverse of this magnificent song was We Will Rock You and as I’m sure you will agree, my dear old parents had kickstarted my love for music in the grandest of manners.
“I’ve paid my dues
Time after time
I’ve done my sentence
But committed no crime
And bad mistakes
I’ve made a few
I’ve had my share of sand
Kicked in my face
But I’ve come through
And we mean to go on and on and on and on
We are the champions, my friends
And we’ll keep on fighting till the end
We are the champions
We are the champions
No time for losers
’Cause we are the champions of the World”
As you will discover at the denouement of this paragraph, this article is the fifth in a series of legal wrangling's with a long since defunct “Energy Company” that is in administration after a quite woeful fall from grace amid appalling services and practices and a whole host of other shambolic shenanigans. As you will also discover, I’m also partial to quoting the lyrics of Pink Floyd, Bruce Springsteen, Billy Joel and The Beatles and each article documents the horrendous and tawdry tale of a near decade’s long legal battle but not with a company in administration but with the soul suckers, ambulance chasers and disaster capitalists who delight in stomping on their fellow human beings for the ones and zeroes on the balance sheet of life, and a life in which they’ve provided no goods, no services and nothing tangible whatsoever into the bargain.
To save you the trouble of delving into this black hole of doom, here’s the tale of the tape hence far:
(1) The original “debt” started in May 2013 (stop laughing at the back!).
(2) The “debt” was officially recognised and registered in May 2014.
(3) Between 2014 and 2016 I “won” my case via The Ombudsman.
(4) 2016, the “debt” was “sold” to a number of debt collection agencies.
(5) 15th September 2016 I was dragged to Court for the first time in my life. Representing myself, I was told I “wasn’t on the list today” and “We’ll contact you separately from the Court”.
(6) I never heard another word on the matter, from anyone, for SIX years.
(7) Now in August 2022, another debt collection company had won the algorithm of a disaster capitalists wet dream and landed on my name and number, and we were off to the races again.
(8) Stress heavy court appearances followed in January (when both the Judge and the Claimant’s Legal Team didn’t show up — what larks!) plus further dates in January, February and March whereby, on 13th March, I proved I had in fact met the very definition of a legal law (and a law I had to learn as a layman) that ensured the Judgement against me was unfair and should be “set aside”, much to the consternation of the Claimant’s Legal Team. Yes, Legal Team!
(9) As I had become an ad hoc legal specialist and beaten a whole Legal Team (what larks!), I could now present a fully pleaded defence for a “debt” that started in May 2013, that had lain dormant for six years and against a Judgement in February 2017 that I knew nothing about until August 2022.
(10) What larks indeed.
So you’re now up to date as at 13th March 2023, but should you wish to read these individual articles at more length, here they are, in all their lyrical glory:
In Court with Pink Floyd
“Good morning, Worm your Honour”.medium.com
In Court with Johnny 99
“Judge I got debts no honest man could pay”.medium.com
In Court with Billy Joel
“I guess you’d rather be a martyr tonight”.medium.com
In Court with The Beatles
Part IV. Insanity versus Absurdity, 2023.medium.com
“I’ve taken my bows
And my curtain calls
You brought me fame and fortune
And everything that goes with it
I thank you all
But it’s been no bed of roses
No pleasure cruise
I consider it a challenge before
The human race
And I ain’t gonna lose
And we mean to go on and on and on and on
We are the champions, my friends
And we’ll keep on fighting till the end
We are the champions
We are the champions
No time for losers
’Cause we are the champions of the World”
Within days of the minor victory of having this six year old Judgement “set aside”, I duly complied with the Judge’s order and submitted a 12 page written witness statement and over 40 pages of emails in a similar vein, with albeit less swear words, as referenced above. On 3rd April I received confirmation of the Judgement being “set aside” and ten days later I received further confirmation but this time an officially court stamped “Certificate of satisfaction or cancellation of debt” but days after, yet dated a day before on 12th April, I received confirmation of the Claimant’s proposal to take action against me in the small claims court.
From the sublime to the utter ridiculous and perfectly in keeping with this infuriating farrago. Which begs the obvious question: For what am I being taken to the small claims court for and on what basis? The rhetorical question is posed as the paperwork, duly completed today, again, together with yet another witness statement, again, as there is no indication as to what this refers to or any amounts disclosed.
I am yet to receive any response as to the exhaustive defence filed, yet the Judgement has been, to repeat, “set aside” and now I have the official notification and certificate that the Judgement has been satisfied/cancelled. As you may have gathered by now, I am no legal expert, but I believe I am now being taken to the small claims court in regard to the legal fees incurred by the Claimant’s Legal Team and believe me dear reader, if you saw the “Statement of Costs” provided to me by this vaunted Legal Team (who seem to have a funny habit of losing legal cases to a layman), not only would your socks fall off but you’d laugh so hard your underwear would soon follow suit. It’s well into four figures with umpteen hours spent in a losing cause, yet I am now expected to pay or at least come to a mediated agreement in relation to these costs?
So I’ve filed yet another defence, yet another witness statement and outlined the obvious: If the “debt” has indeed been satisfied/cancelled and the Claimant instructed a Legal Team (a Legal Team!) to pursue a case they’ve lost, then surely the matter is between them. This is precisely how I ended my witness statement alongside reiterating the anxiety, duress and strain this is putting on my mental health and I called the whole shebang a shambles.
All throughout January and February I received numerous letters and emails from the Claimant’s Legal Team offering me varying discounts if I paid the “debt” in full. Even before our numerous court appearances I was asked if I wanted to settle. The “Statement of Costs” is, in a word, hilarious, with a vast team of names and numbers and hours worked on a case that has provided next to zero evidence. They have also failed to recognise, confirm or reply to my exhaustive defence. After going through my 12 page written defence and 40+ pages of emails, I dare to think what the costs are going to be now, and all in a losing cause that the winner has to pay?
They have also gone incredibly quiet of late has this vast Legal Team.
What larks.
Afterword I
I haven’t won but I believe I’m winning. I’m also giving due consideration now to counter-suing, a “No Win No Fee” kind of deal if such things still exist. These vexatious fucking vermin have smashed into my life having had no reason to, with no knowledge of the massive backstory, the incredible injustice going back a decade and with only pound signs in their greedy disaster capitalist eyes.
Afterword II
I haven’t won but I believe I’m winning in regard to my book too. 110,000 words now re-read, re-read again, polished and edited and locked in the bank. 20,000 words still to be given the same treatment and another 5,000+ to be written. Cover design in the works, few more personal photographs to be inserted and an introduction to be written to a book about winners and losers, Champions and Champions of the World. This team of Champions have taken their bows and their curtain calls but the Sword of Damocles is falling on them as the sands of time runs out. But they’ll keep on fighting until the end and they’ll never walk alone.
I haven’t won, not yet, but the pipedream is ready to become a reality. If I fail to find a publisher as seems likely, though not for the want of trying, I’ll self publish via Amazon KDP.
The star date is 28th May 2023. I have six weeks.
And I ain’t gonna lose.
Thanks for reading. There is a carnival of delights awaiting your pleasure within my library here or alternatively, here are three recently published examples for your delectation:
A paperback writer in Ironbridge?
“Dear Sir or Madam, will you read my book?”medium.com
Gifts galore at Elland Road as Reds hit Leeds for six
Leeds United 1 Liverpool 6, 17th April 2023.medium.com
“The Hatchet Wielding Hitchhiker” (2023)
Truth is stranger than fiction. Again.medium.com