Rasputin, Raspberry Jam on Toast and Antipodean Agony
“Rasputin and Raspberry Jam” Vol.4
“Rasputin, Raspberry Jam on Toast and Antipodean Agony” acts as the 9th chapter within Act 2 of 3 inside my latest self-published book “Rasputin and Raspberry Jam”, a day-by-day and match-by-match breakdown of England’s 2024 overseas tours to Pakistan and New Zealand and as an added extra in Act 3, the 5 Test Match series between Australia and India too.
Released in paperback and hardback on 7th January 2025 and free to read if you have an Amazon Kindle “Unlimited” membership, but please consider supporting an indie author by purchasing the physical, tangible book (reasonably priced on both formats and it looks FAR better in paper published form than the Kindle version!) if you are financially able.
Thanks.
Here follows a larger version of the front cover (rather than the cropped image to fit the article headline here) as well as a link to the book in paperback, a link to my original article (15th December 2024) and the original article in full:
"Rasputin and Raspberry Jam" - link to Amazon
Act One: “Ra-Ra-Rasputin. Lover of the Russian queen”
The grand old game of Test Match cricket can be sliced and diced for appreciation in many and varied ways, from a ball by ball analysis perhaps, or over by over, session by session, the taking of a new ball versus the battered and beaten old one or here, today, via the medium of three songs that either emanated from the trumpeter of England’s travelling “Barmy Army” or the PA system at an always beautiful Seddon Park in Hamilton looking radiant in the rays of a glorious New Zealand sun. We’ll cross the Tasman Sea for brief updates on the heavily rain affected 3rd Test Match between Australia and India in Brisbane as we go but first, Rasputin, and the lyrics of a 1970’s song from Boney M? Well the off-field activities in the opening session were far more entertaining than the bore-fest supplied within the Seddon Park Oval (and the only bug bear I have for this greatest and grandest of all games) and England were truly awful, wasteful, limp, tired and an uninspired beaten team, and all this was before the even worse collapse in an afternoon session of true ignominy.
But that, as always, is getting ahead of ourselves.
For first we had raspberry jam on toast and a fresh cup of tea as hot as my expectancy for this second day of the third and final Test Match of this series and then Rasputin, big and strong and “his eyes a flaming glow” apparently and then, well, a stalemate and a boring hour of cricket that should have seen the bottom of the tactics bin a long, long time ago. England needed one final New Zealand wicket and only wanted to bowl at their number 11 Will O’Rourke and his partner Mitchell Santner happy to take a single from the fourth or fifth ball of every over and thus scoring 1 run every over for an hour of nothingness until, with the very first delivery after the break for drinks, he was clean bowled by Matthew Potts to end the hosts 1st innings on a par score of 347. To summarise, New Zealand had won the battle of wills and England’s bowlers had spent yet another tiring hour in the sun when they should have been sat with their feet up in the dressing room.
The consequences of this would be felt in three embarrassing hours time.
If New Zealand took an hour to score 32 runs this morning, England’s opening batsmen Zak Crawley and Ben Duckett scampered past this in just 15 minutes and 25 collective deliveries received but soon after, both were sat back in the Pavilion licking their wounds. First to go was Crawley who after smashing soon to be retiring Tim Southee for 5 boundary 4’s in double quick time fell to the bowling of Matt Henry, again, and again via a quite brilliant return catch off his own bowling. Four deliveries later his partner Duckett followed him and with arguably the only testing delivery to actually defeat an England batsman to get him out and equally, a beauty of a swinging delivery from Henry that would have defeated any left handed batsman in the world. It was a gem. Joe Root (15 not out) and Jacob Bethell (7 not out) guided England to the Lunch Break on 54–2, still a long distance 293 runs adrift on 1st innings.
A channel hop across the Tasman Sea in the break saw me miss but a handful of deliveries at the start of Day 2 in Brisbane and a Gabba stadium fully recovered from yesterday’s torrential rain. The very first ball I saw accounted for Usman Khawaja and just 14 balls later “That’s two on day two for Bumrah” intoned FOX TV’s Adam Gilchrist as the Indian superstar snagged the wicket of Khawaja’s opening batting partner Nathan McSweeney. 30 or so minutes of luxuriating into the bowling skills of Jasprit Bumrah later, I crossed back to Hamilton leaving the Australian chuckle brothers of Marnus Labuschagne and Steve Smith to deal with the beauty that is Bumrah, and Australia were in a sticky spot of bother on 51–2 with each wise cracking brother in cricketing arms on 7 not out each.
Act Two: “Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?”
Ah, Keane, and “Somewhere Only We Know”. Oh how I could weave tales galore as to who, how and why I adore their early albums so. But we don’t have time for such sentimental gibberish such as this, not today at least, as we have an England batting collapse to attend to!
Whilst Joe Root and Jacob Bethell were at the crease England were slowly inching their way towards New Zealand’s 1st innings score and, at that particular time, it was fairly easy going. But Bethell’s demise was the first of three wickets in a brilliant spell of bowling from the ever impressive Will O’Rourke and with Harry Brook dismissed the very next ball “Oh he’s got him first ball! It’s a first baller for Harry Brook” according to the wonderfully entertaining ex England captain David Gower on TVNZ co-commentary duties, England were soon collapsing and, as he’s never going to read this, I blame England vice-captain Ollie Pope!
I desperately wanted to watch Joe Root bat all night/morning here in a cold, bleak and dark England and Pope called Root for what’s known in cricket circles as a “suicide run” to get himself off the mark. Root wasn’t run out, but he should have been, and cast a stern eye at his partner for the risky run taken before O’Rourke got Root next ball with a searing delivery angled in at his mid-riff he tamely looped to Will Young at Gully. Now, and this could be just be me and my immediate, in the minute interpretation, but Root gave Pope another of those “I shouldn’t have had to face that delivery had we not taken that crazy run” kind of look as he trudged disconsolately from the field of play.
Ollie Pope and Ben Stokes steadied the innings for 45 minutes or so before both succumbing to the spin of Mitchell Santner and in the space of just 17 deliveries from Matt Henry and Santner once more, Gus Atkinson, Brydon Carse and Matthew Potts all came and went for just 6 runs between them and most embarrassing of all, the England team as a whole had been bowled out in a session and a half, in just under 3 hours of play, and from only 35.4 overs. At the Tea Break, England trailed New Zealand by 204 runs on 1st innings and their fast bowlers, dog tired after nearly 8 hours in the field, had to don their bowling boots and do it all over again.
Meanwhile, across the Tasman Sea it was Lunch at the Gabba and at 104–3 Australia had made steady progress if losing one half of the chuckle brothers in the process in the shape of Marnus Labuschagne. Resting not out at the break was his partner in chuckling crime Steve Smith (25) and Travis Head (20) and without any live cricket to watch before departing back to Hamilton, ex England captain Michael Vaughan exclaimed “If he gets going after lunch, I expect Steve Smith to score a century” whilst ex Aussie wicket-keeper Brad Haddon went against his own country loyalties by declaring he desperately wanted to see a third session of fast bowling from Indian superstar Jasprit Bumrah.
I was almost tempted to stay in Brisbane, and soon wished I had.
Act Three: “Well, I’m a lucky man. With fire in my hands”
Following the introduction to the great game of cricket by my parents and especially my dearly missed Mum, I am a lucky man and whether “I’m stood here naked, smiling, I feel no disgrace” is neither here nor there for this particular article, but I do often wonder “How many corners do I have to turn?” and “How many times do I have to learn — All the love I have is in my mind?
I hope you understand.
Anyway, a very tired looking England bowling unit toiled under a baking New Zealand sun for 32 exhausting overs, Shoaib Bashir was finally, finally given a go with the ball after not bowling a ball in anger in the 1st innings and 3 Kiwi wickets were snagged including “Night Watchman” Will O’Rourke who I doubt would have believed you had you told him at the start of play he’d still be batting come the end of it. He nearly was! Will Young eased to 60 before becoming the first of two day ending wickets for Ben Stokes and to top off a rather spectacular day for the hosts, Kane Williamson reached an almost run-a-ball half century by the close to finish the day exactly 50 not out.
At the end of a day of utter Kiwi domination, the hosts enjoy an almost unbeatable (already) lead of 340 runs which is 71 runs more than has ever been scored in the 4th innings in Hamilton for a Test victory, the largest runs total ever scored in the whole of New Zealand too, and only 79 runs shy of setting England the highest total ever chased to win a Test in the 4th innings in the entire history of this storied game. Kane Williamson is 50 not out, Daryl Mitchell, Tom Blundell, Glenn Phillips and Mitchell Santner are still in the cricketing “shed” and then there’s soon to be retiring Tim Southee with records of his own in mind for his final flourish wielding a cricket bat. If the hosts get going tomorrow, and against a flagging set of England bowlers, they could well set their visitors anywhere from 500+ as an impossible mission for victory.
The Antipodean Agony continued for another set of visitors across the Tasman Sea as Steve Smith did indeed reach his prophesied Test Match century but not before Travis Head did, and a second consecutive ton for the man from Adelaide after his century on his home ground in the 2nd Test Match last week. Australia ended Day 2 with a thumping 405–7 on the scoreboard and with Alex Carey on a run-a-ball 45 not out and Mitchell Starc and Nathan Lyon handy with the bat, they could well follow their neighbours by posting in excess of 500 and dropping India in almost as deep a hole as England find themselves in.
Day 3 in both Hamilton and Brisbane is nearly upon me at the time of writing and whilst there will almost certainly be a Day 5 in Australia I can’t see the tussle in New Zealand going deeper than the second session of Day 4.
But time, that unwieldy beast none of us will ever tame, will tell.
It always does.
Thanks for reading. I hope this message in a bottle in The Matrix finds you well, prospering, and the right way up in an upside down world.