Tales I Tell Myself — Vol.2
Hey Elon! Give us a job!
Chapter 31 of my self-published book “Tales I Tell Myself” is entitled, rather ridiculously, “Hey Elon! Give us a Job!” but before we journey into the dark recesses of an unravelling mind, here are a lucky seven images captured on a gloriously sunny Saturday in the beautiful city of Chester, and in the Summer of 2022.
"Tales I Tell Myself" - available via Amazon
“Hey Elon! Give us a job!”
An open letter to the new Boss
27th October, 2022
Dear Elon (I hope you don’t mind the over familiarity)
You’ll be blissfully unaware of this but we have in fact been entangled in an unrequited love affair for some time now and I hope this doesn’t preclude my application in any way. When you recently confirmed your love for the film “True Romance” this only strengthened the invisible bonds between us and then you went and scared the pants off everyone with that pesky statement of being a “free speech absolutist” and well, I’ve barely been able to keep still my beating heart. The electric cars (Nikola Tesla is a hero of mine), the rockets and satellites into space and now the purchase of everyone’s favourite social media platform Twitter, well I just had to follow that beating heart of mine and apply for a job but before we get to that:
those brain microchips of yours?
Please ensure you keep on living and heavily lock away the secrets behind this somewhat macabre invention. We don’t want them falling into the hands of the bad guys now do we?
Considering the volume of redundancies being mooted at present within Twitter it would seem crass and careless of me to apply for a job that’s probably being made redundant or non-existent and here’s the kicker: I’d be useless in an office environment too! I’ve been working from home now since the end of the last century and way before it became cool and hip during the pandemic, so I’d be reluctant to work in an office based role. I’m also too individualistic and with desires for absolute free speech and after having not worked in an office for over two decades I’d be a nightmare to have hanging around a busy office. That’s not to say I’d be a disruptive influence within the office, just a somewhat grumpy misanthrope who’d rather enjoy the rays of the outside sunshine rather than the confines of a plush corner office and personal secretary but for love, for Twitter and for our mutual love of “True Romance” I’m prepared to take a chance.
Are you?
Another fly in the ointment is my complete and utter abject failure at social media and my somewhat prehistoric understanding of Information Technology and computers. Yes I can work a laptop and if you’d care to take a peek at my archives here I can write a damn interesting blog article, but that’s all really. I can produce rudimentary Excel spreadsheets or knock up the most basic of Power Point presentations but other than this, well, all I can really provide a busy and thriving social media office at the cutting edge of 21st Century futuristic thinking is to be the office older male “eye candy” (I look good from a distance and across a busy office) and I make a damn fine cup of tea. This quaint old English tradition of “making a brew” has probably still to translate to you as well as our American cousins across the pond but believe me, a good strong cup of tea keeps an army marching forward and there’s a battle for the very freedom of speech coming on the horizon and we must be prepared.
So I’d be useless within the office as well as quite frankly frighteningly out of my depth with any technical requirements that would merit a place within your new team at Twitter, but God loves a trier, right? She also loves a damn fine cup of tea so I’ve been told but then again, all right thinking people do. I’m more than a mere “Tea Boy” but perhaps not much more but look, I’m willing to listen to your offer of employment and also the covering of my moving expenses and perhaps a heavily reduced price on a condo near the office too? If you can make the offer lucrative enough I’ll bring my lad (he has an anarchic sense of humour similar to yours and you’ll love him!) and his mother (an amazing artist you’ll love too) and if you can ensure I get the corner office overlooking the baseball diamond, that’d be just about perfect.
Alternatively, there must be a UK based position (a Senior Executive position perhaps?) and one you could, in light of our ongoing if unrequited love affair, stretch to being a working from home position, then I’d join your new venture in a shot. Free speech is everything Elon. It’s our birthing gift from God (or creator) and regardless, it’s an inalienable right, a privilege for being part of the greatest family in the world and we must defend this right with everything we’ve got.
Above all else, as two fans of the magnificent twisted love story to Elvis Presley and the excesses of the American dream, we simply must get together sometime, perhaps go to a secluded diner afterward and after watching and enjoying “True Romance” together.
Oh the opening music!
The eye patch!
The face off between Christopher Walken and Dennis Hopper!
The shoot-out at Drexl Spivey’s house!
The forgotten Samuel L Jackson cameo!
The climatic shoot-out amid the pillows and feathers and clouds of cocaine!
Gary Oldman’s performance!
The smile of Patricia Arquette at the end!
Come on Clarence, what say you?
I’m available for interview (or to watch “True Romance”) at your convenience.
Sincerely,
Your newest employee
PS Please don’t die as we can’t let the lunatics free with your brain chipping technology. Then we’d all be fucked.
Viva humanity!
Thanks for reading. I hope this message in a bottle in The Matrix finds you well, prospering, and the right way up in an upside down world.