VAR and “the Death Knell of the Beautiful Game” (copyright pending)
Letter to the Sports Editor
Hey Jack! How’s tricks?
How are those wounds of yours coming along? That final swipe to the jugular must have been a terrible ordeal to come to grips with alone, let alone the 15 minutes that came before it locked inside a cramped office with only a wolverine for company. Hellish Jack. Just sheer terror. The video still does the rounds in the office from time and time. Rumour has it some of those filthy creatures have even masturbated to it. Swine and degradation wherever you look my old friend and sometimes it’s best not to. Please say hello to Mary Todd for me and I trust she’s treating her king well in his convalescence. The last time we spoke was around this time last year and from the hospital if memory serves. It was a terse conversation it has to be admitted, and even before she screamed “I’m going to hunt you down and skin you alive for what you’ve done you scum sucking rat bastard fuck” but we’ve all moved on now, England are going to win Euro 2024, La Albiceleste will do likewise a few hours later in the Copa América and by the close of play on Sunday, James “Jimmy” Anderson will have represented the England cricket team for the final time in a career arguably without equal, Novak Djokovic will have surely pissed off yet more of the English middle-class at Wimbledon and if there is indeed yet another tennis final for the ages in West London and England are triumphant and luckily sneak their way past the footballing gods of Spain in Berlin then I fear this tiny island on which I reside will simply sink, and without trace, into the English Channel. We can but hope.
Keep your feet up Jack as well as your guard at all times. Something seismic is happening on Sunday my old friend. May split the walls between our dimensions of reality.
Time will tell.
It always does.
Have you noticed that we have two Joe Biden’s? One, barely alive and needing a cattle prod in the ribs every 45 minutes just to have a semblance of human form and that shouty bastard behind a lectern? As a world, we simply can’t deal with the notion of a second Joe Biden let alone the conspiracy theories surrounding Mission Impossible rubber masks, clones and even that Joe Biden isn’t real at all. Some researchers have suggested quite vigorously that he’s just an apparition in The Matrix, a non-playing character in a charade and a carnival that couldn’t be any more bizarre than if any of the above scurrilous rumours were actually true. Who knows or indeed cares in this inverted reality of ours? Not me Jack, I have no idea, but I do know that France has “lurched” in the political vernacular back to the left after going far right and their nearest and dearest neighbours here in England and the UK have apparently done the reverse. Left. Right. Up. Down. No matter your sexual orientation or your preferred pronouns we’re all fucked and the wraiths and vagabonds doing the fucking are flying around the world selling bombs whilst talking democracy, war rather than peace and their simple and repetitive mind control mantras ensures they’re on the precipice of having the world in unison call out “freedom is slavery” during Sunday morning prayers to Mephistopheles.
Talking of demons, did you see VAR make yet another ugly entrance into our dystopian world this evening? Never a penalty in a million years but a referee watching the game miles away on a monitor tells his mate on the field, with the best view in the entire stadium too, that his eyes have lied to him and he needs to troop off to the side of the pitch to see in painstaking detail what he apparently missed with his own two human eyes not one minute ago. Yes everyone now stares at their shoes in utter boredom and some may even wonder aloud if life is worth living any more, before back comes the referee, changes his mind and confirms that not only did his eyes lie to him, but so did yours. Do you get the game yet?
Yes it slows a spontaneous game down to the speed of an aged basset hound with a limp in three of her feet and everyone stares at a big screen like the doomed and dumbed down generation we are, cash cow consumers in a material world of nothingness, told when to cheer, how and when it’s appropriate to boo and then and only then, to follow the final command of not believing your own eyes. It’s a dangerous concept for sure but simply not for everyone. Who can deal with the ugly truths concealed within the ugliest of lies? We live within a “VAR World” now Jack where left has always been right, wrong is always right, down is the new up and even the new normal means the bread and circus of life has disappeared the bread and fucked the life out of football.
I could go on a vicious tangent here but who in their right mind has time for those these days? Not me that’s for damn sure. My Los Angeles Dodgers are about to have the piss beaten out of them by the Philadelphia Phillies and after last night’s 10–1 thrashing, I’ll be watching with one eye on the baseball and one hand on a bible. They may need all the help they can get.
First pitch is in 5 minutes so I’ll dash this off to you and Mary Todd full of love and on the crest of a wave of astonishing book sales that one employee at Amazon confirmed was the busiest they’ve ever been and they simply can’t print the damn things quick enough to meet the demand.
I’m a bestseller Jack!
How do you like them apples?
Send word.
Thanks for reading. If you’d like to join the bestselling book bonanza of the bizarre, here’s a few for your consideration:
